 So it is finally here! Just when I was about to break, just when I couldn't handle another day of hearing nothing, just when I needed Him most, God showed up with a court date! A year and a half ago we knew Joshua was our son and we couldn't wait for the day he was in our arms. The days have passes like molasses and increasingly gotten more and more painful as they slipped away. At the time we were matched with him, we were told to be prepared to leave any day or to wait indefinitely. Our hopeful hearts never wanted to believe we would be on the "waiting indefinitely" side of things. But He is a God of last minutes and I praise Him for testing me far beyond what I would have thought I was capable. (He certainly thinks more of me than I do!)
When Joseph was in prison, after accurately interpreting the dreams of his two cellmates, he said to the one being set free "Don't forget me! Tell Pharaoh about me! DONT FORGET ME!!" and yet 2 years went by with no recognition, the same 4 walls, the same dirt floor, the same unanswered question... "Why, God?". Joseph had been completely forgotten... but only by man. God was doing a good work in him and needed to see it to completion, and for whatever reason, that "good work" involved being (temporarily) forgotten by man. Why? Possibly with the intent to bring Joseph to his knees, completely reliant on the King of kings? Possibly with the intent to humble Joseph, lest he boast as if his life and abilities were his own? Or possibly with the intent to bless others who would follow, and be encouraged by God's triumph over his sufferings? Whatever the purpose, Joseph had no one but His heavenly father left. Man had failed him, but God would be glorified when he revealed Josephs great purpose years later.
I will not dare to claim a "great purpose" in the suffering I have endured from being seperated from my child. My anguish pales in comparison to what other have and continue to endure! However I trust that my Heavenly Father will not allow my pain to be fruitless. I will praise Him as I "count my suffering as pure joy". And the day that I finally meet my precious child and hold him in my arms, I will whisper words of truth to him. I will tell him he was never forgotten. I will tell him he has a great and wonderful purpose. I will tell him who he is and Who's he is; the child of the living King... Prince Joshua!
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west." Isaiah 43:2,5 I found these beautiful flowers anonymously placed on my doorstep this morning. Those closest to me, know the state of my heart right now. Behind my Pollyanna persona, I am completely undone. I don't know if I have ever shed more tears in my life than I have this week. My eyes hurt. I am broken and weary. I am confused and angry. I am torn into pieces and exhausted. I need my child safely home. I need to know that SOMONE somewhere is tirelessly advocating for him. I fear that we will celebrate yet another Thanksgiving & Christmas season without him in our arms. Fortunately our God is HUGE and I believe he can handle my questions, my anger, my fear and my honest heart. He knows when His children are about to break, even before we do. He knows when to send a significant friend, a good word of support, an encouraging song on the radio or a bouquet of anonymous flowers sent on behalf of my missing child. I debated sharing the raw state of my heart on this blog, but I believe that through this heartache, others may be touched or encouraged by just knowing that there are others who hurt, question, breakdown, ask "why have I been forsaken?" and yet still believe that He is good...always! Our God can handle anything we can throw at Him and He uses "ALL things to work for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose"...even our heartache (Romans 8:28). He is good, He is real, He is love. Even when we endure pain so intense we think it will do us in, He holds each tear in His hands and carries us through the pain. I am learning how to cling hope and believe in His promises, "for faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1
 I have always viewed each new day as a fresh start, a clean slate, full of exciting potential. However, for the last year and a half my first thought each morning has not been "What wonderful joy awaits me today?" No, my first thought is always "Joshua is not here". As I rise, I picture him eating his meager dinner on the other side of the globe and I pray for God to nourish and protect his growing little body. After my breakfast I imagine him getting ready for bed and I pray that he will be comforted by someone who tells him "Your mommy and daddy are coming soon, Joshua. They are trying!" Throughout my day, I know he is fast asleep and I pray that God will give him dreams of our adoring faces, so that he will already know us and trust us the moment our eyes first meet. As I wind down my day and prepare Joshua's siblings for bed, I know he is just starting his day and I ask God to shield, guard and protect him. And as I lie in bed unable to sleep, I secretly cry and plead for God to walk with him throughout his day and infuse his little heart with a desire to know, trust and obey the God who created him with a wonderful purpose. I think the hardest part of my day is tucking 4 of my 5 children in bed each night, knowing that they are 100% aware that they are safe and snug at home, covered in warm blankets, kisses and mommy and daddy's prayers...and Joshua is not. When I leave the boys room and say "goodnight my little men, I love you", the last thing I see as I quietly shut the door is Joshua's little bed... still empty. It is made up and the covers are folded back waiting to envelope him. There is an army of stuffed animals that awaits his little arms. There are 2 big brothers who wait to comfort him if he stirs in the night. Before I fully shut the door, I always pause and look at his bed for a moment, longing for the day that he will look back at me and say "Love you too mommy. See you in the morning".
 The other day after yet another discouraging e-mail from Holt, I excused myself to my room, closed the door and wept face down on my bed. Within 2 min, my 8 year old, Faith, came barging in to tattle on her little brother "MOM!!! Hank just... Mom, are you o.k.?" I tried to hide my face in the blankets while I composed myself. She came to the edge of the bed and asked "Mommy, are you sad because Joshy isn't home yet?" "Yes baby. My heart really hurts to be away from him for so long." She stood there in front of me at a loss for words. With my face still buried in my hands, I felt her sweet little fingers stroke my hair. She broke the silence when she started praying over me. She said "Dear Jesus, we have faith that you know what you are doing. And I know that you could have already had Joshy home if you wanted to because you can do anything. But I also know that sometimes you let us hurt, because you want to teach us something that we can only learn when it hurts. Please help us to learn whatever it is that you want to teach us and then bring Joshua home super soon. I love you. Amen."
I sat in awe of God's incredible provision, in awe that my child was ministering to me, in awe of the wisdom discernment and faith of this child, in awe that when she had no words to comfort me, she knew that the Great Comforter was always right there. In this agonizing wait, He IS showing Himself so tangibly. After I semi-composed myself, I told her "You know Faith, Joshua is still so young that he may not even know that he was an orphan who now has an adoring family waiting for him to come home. Although, he may have a faint idea of who we are from the pictures we sent him, we are not real to him right now, and so he cant possibly love us yet. But WE know HE exists and we already love him desperately. We know specific details about him, we have his room and his clothes all ready for him, we pray for him every day, we miss him every second, we feel incomplete without him here, we yearn for him to be home with us where he belongs, we cry over his absence, and pray for the day he will finally be in our arms. If nothing else, this painful wait for Joshua can teach us one thing. Now, we know a fraction of how God feels when one of his children are separated from Him. Some people don't know God exists because they are just babies, like Joshua. But some people may not know He really exists until they are 40 or 80! And the whole time God knows every detail about them, He is yearning for them, preparing a place for them, wanting to share life together, desperately loving them, wanting them safely in His arms, and all the while He patiently waits for them to come home." And that is when Faith said "Ya... But the real reason I came in here is because Hank pushed me." ... All I could do was laugh! Our God sure has a wonderful sense if comedic timing, doesn't He?!
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